does anyone know what it's like to wake up every morning, and not wanting to wake up? not because of lethargy or a lack of sleep, but for a reason that you do not want to wake up to face another day of dejection, hopelessness and depression. it's wretched, living a life like this. i have been living this nightmare for a while now. everyday to wake up and to live like this. each and everyday i wake up and i pray for this nightmare to be over, but it isn't. for the past couple of weeks, i pray to god to end my misery every morning by any means necessary. but i guess god can only do so much, i guess man has to take his fate into his own hands. and take care of things.
geez i wish i could just end it on my own. and in all honesty i know how to, jus tthat i dun dare to. well not yet that is. all it takes is a couple more weeks of this shit and boom i'm dun 4. oh well peace to this shitty world and see y'all in the next.

well for one to slide down the edge of the tubes, is one thing, now my question is how low can this tube go? it seems that day by day, i just seem to feel worse about life and of course my bank balance also shows this. dammit spending money like a fool. never thought that it'd end up this way. haiz one more month till that god forsaken course to start, and i'm really emotionally and mentally exhausted. i dun know how much longer i can go like this. but one thing is for certain, i need to talk to dani. need to straighten some things out and to tie up what ends i need to. of course later on i need a miracle to make this all work out so yeah shit. had a rough week so far, now finally have the time to just sit back enjoy a bottle of Q and yeah start making posts.

everytime i run, i'm backed into a corner. looks like this is the way to go.
i really really really need a miracle if i am going to get myself out of this, but it seems to be my destiny. soon i might need to know whether or not i go in guns blazing or i ease off and chill. the decision would be a hard one i know. but either way i am screwed. i just need to know a couple of things before i tie the ropes down and get to it.
let's hope that this way works.

i want to end it all lah
i dun see any further point in this shit
i am without hope
i am without strength
i am without a future
i am going to end this on my terms
at least i know that i ended it on my terms
this nightmare has gone on long enough
it has taken enough of a toll on me
today it ends

you remove the ground from under my feet
you rub my face into the dirt when i am at my lowest
when i need hope you take it away from me
when i need motivation, you break my spirit
when i need strength, you drain it from me
when i need direction, you confuse me
when i find my way, you insult me
when i make something of my future, you look down on me
when i finally make up my mind, you break me
when i need help, you frustrate me
when i am empty, broken and down, you leave me

who are you?

~ a friend turned bad?
~ a love gone wrong?
~ my worst enemy?

no

the japanese call you oeji
the chinese call you lao pa
the malay call you bapak
in english you are called dad/father

in my life you no longer bear that privilege,
in my eyes you no longer have my respect,
in my heart you are as good as dead.

i planned to just walk away hoping that it might heal the rift, clearly what you have done, is unforgivable.
this started after grandma's funeral, i had my exams that week, it was the funeral of a woman for years in my life i considered more of a mother than my own mother. i couldn't cry at her funeral, i was under immense pressure and stress and hopelessness. later that week, found out that my ex boss is dying of liver cancer. of course later that week to find out that my bond has fucked itself up. my initial reaction was to stay the course and to make it work. you told me to break it on first reaction. my heart was steady, my hope secure. you slowly wore my spirit down. you proved to me that this wasn't the way to go, we had an argument as to why i shouldn't stay on. i was worn down, you broke my resolve, you destroyed the reasons why i should even stay on. you destroyed my dream and turned it into a nightmare.

my resolve isn't there anymore
my heart can't find a reason to go any further
the sight of aircraft revolts me
a far cry from what it used to be.....

i remember the first time i took dani out after we got attached, we ended up heading towards changi village, i showed her the sights of the airport with pride, it was my pride. i was happy showing her that this was my future, i'll be one of those guys down there working on those planes, i would say with pride.
i planned a career path for myself in the company.
i was so excited, i wanted to leave school to go back there to work
i was happy, i wanted to end my NS asap so that i could go back there.

but alas, now the sight of aircraft sickens me.
the thought of a career there scares me
my heart doesn't want to be there anymore
i want out so bad

now you're forcing me to go back
you're using the arguments of my career plan to try to convince me to go back
you think that my feelings for this are like a switch, oh i can go back to being that deluded kid
you insulted me and my alternative plan
you still insist that i am screwed
you brought me to the brink of psychological oblivion and you left me there
you gave me no support whatsoever
your advice has brought me nothing but trouble

i want out
i want out
i want out

you dun know what it's like, getting wasted at midnight so that i can physically sleep. smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish. coming home so wasted, breaking down and just lying there on the floor with only frustration, a high feeling and the emotional level of sheer frustration and anger.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me.

you dun know what it's like, losing control of yourself while you're driving, doing 130 and almost losing control on a road with a speed limit of 70. you dun know what it's like to feel totally devastated. you dun know what it's like to come home, to see the house and to go berserk, destroying almost everything in sight.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me.

you dun know what it's like to have to confront your own mother, and putting her in a bad position. you dun know what it's like to have enough pent up frustration such that you'd walk out on your own mom and start to smoke in front of her, while she's there crying in the car.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to us.

you dun know what it's like, to have to lose control of yourself, to the point where you drive super fast on the coastal road, putting the thing that means most to you in danger, real danger. you dun know what it's like to frustrate yourself,end up bitching to your friends till they are almost fed up with you.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me

and now i am so cornered and so desperate for a way out, i'll do anything to make it work. even if it means taking a gamble where i know if i lose i'll be so totally screwed.

what am i to do?
what am i to do?
what am i to do?

god please put me out of this misery i dun know how much more of this shit i can take before i really lose it and go fuck it all.....

now it's really in your (god's) hands
please help me
please save me
i'm so totally fucked......

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heartwhen he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
but listen to your heartbefore you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart, thats all that i want to do

what a weekend it has been. for one, job hunting is kinda shitty and tiring, and yeah i should have done a business dip or something like that, nobody is hiring engineering grads now, at least for temp jobs :S:S:S:S
of course after that was trying to teach ms tan statistics, when in all honesty i think that was one of the topics that nearly killed me in engineering maths :P, dunno whether or not i was of much help, but strangely enough the stuff that i covered on first glance was relatively easy to understand, of course memorizing stuff like that is another issue, but conceptually it is very straight forward and not too bad lah, sure beats DDACP, or SDC and trying to understand something of that level (heh heh), stats is like a walk in the park.
of course later in the evening, that was when the fiasco started, got a call from ma cuz, saying something about dani going out with her ex. i was like what the fuck? dani? can't be what, she told me that she lost all contact with the guy. at this point i was like ok.... something isn't right here, but did i hear wrongly about what dani said and stuff? no can't be what.... nvm lah could be mistaken.
that was of course till the guys called me and told me the same thing.
at that point i was like "oh shit", alarm bells started going off left right and centre. if it was one close source, ok reasonable, but multiple? something really isn't right with the situation here.
the thing is that mom did warn me about ex boyfriends getting in the way and the fact that the girl would normally not tell, of course this piece of advice was also given to me from ben. so shit is she trying to hide something from me that she is uncomfortable about? can't be, not my dani... right? i mean i trusted her with a hell of a lot, stuff which i didn't even tell ben or mom. so yeah it kinda ate me up from the inside. and i really wanted to find out for myself and to prove it with hard evidence that such a thing didn't happen.
of course the hard part is now, how to talk to dani about it?
when i told ben that i think it's best to come upfront instead of sneaking behind and finding out what's going on, would be the better option, at least i think. he told me not to, he'd rather i go find out more before even talking to dani about it, cos he knows of my temper and how i would react to it if i lost control, the tendency to do so of course being high, given the circumstances.
i lost dani once because of this guy, if this turns the wrong way i'll lose her again. only this time i have the unpleasantry of actually cutting the rope and burning the bridge for good this time.
the one sad thing about this issue is that, because of this guy dani lost most of my trust. and my trust is something very easy to gain, but once lost, takes a long long time to regain, and very few ppl in fact have regained my trust after it has been broken. dani, unfortunately has a very low stock of such a precious commodity with me. and of course, when it comes down to the crunch, it is the same guy again, so what the hell am i supposed to do? go about it blindly? sorry, doesn't happen that way. the best i can do, is to conduct a full investigation/witch hunt to find out with better evidence, on what's going on. it is the only fair and impartial way with which i can really go and solve the problem. and i adopted the approach that dad would normally go about with stuff like this when it happened to me and the gang, when we were kids.
"i heard about this, i dun like what i hear, and it is important enough for me to actually go and investigate the issue, now is there something that you would like me to know of before i go and start?"
that was the way dad did an impartial and fair investigation on me and the gang, and hence this is the way i will approach this issue. for the very simple reason that i dun know of any other fair way.
now another problem, how to do it without fucking it up totally? my temper and mood swings with regard to issues like this can severely mess things up. so earlier on saturday i tried to come up with a nua mentality to the issue and to really ease of the aggressiveness and tenacity that dad would normally imbue into his efforts. was sheer torture, to really try and overcome what would have been natural instincts for me. my temper and mood swings were raging at me, but no i had to keep them under wraps if not god help us all..... oh yeah and they also mentioned the officer's ball thingy and they thought that the other guy was her boyfriend (doesn't fucking help now does it?) yes i still feel like a complete fool for letting that happen, shucks i dun know how i let these things happen.
so on saturday evening, i managed to find dani online (yeah spent the whole day finding her, but couldnt') and i told her that it was important that we talked about this issue, the sooner it is cleared the better.
initially everything went according to plan. i let her know the situation, let her have her say and told her that i'm going to begin investigating into this issue. and that now it is a case of is it my friends and blood lying to me or her? if it were any other guy i would have let it slide, cos at least she told me about it but in this case, it was too close for comfort. but anyways she told me that she didnt' do it and that maybe it was an honest mistake on my guys part. i let her know my end of the deal and yeah crapped around on the phone for a while. but suddenly it hit me that maybe it isn't worth it to pursue the matter, all i really needed was to hear it from her end and to let it rest at that. it was very difficult to let go just like that. normally i would pursue the problem till the ends of the earth if necessary. but in this case i really let it go. didn't even want to tie up whatever ends that were left open, i just threw it out. figured that it really isn't worth it, i need to start trusting her and well i guess her word is all the counter evidence that i need after all. believe me to let go like that is almost unheard of, mom and ben were both shocked to hear that i let go just like that.
and yeah for me that was it. i had let go, i didn't become dad in that sense, i dropped it all of course until i read her blog yesterday and i really felt hurt over what she had said.
quote
"for a self-proclaimed bastard, sean is a little naive when it comes to people, especially people he's known for a while. he should have learned something from that fiasco. besides, i would have thought by now he'd have realized who he can trust."
in this case as mentioned earlier, these were people who have known me since i was a child, and have never betrayed my trust ever in my life. sad to say dani has done it once before and to a very great and painful level. for me just to let go isn't easy but i did. it just hurts and is very disappointing to hear things like that from her, but hell lah, i can't change how she feels about it, and she doesn't know what hell it was for me to go through something like that. i didn't go looking for it, it found me. too close for comfort, and over an issue that had shattered my trust and confidence in her. and another thing, the bastard issue isn't self proclaimed, it is an acknowledgement of what others say, which in some ways is true and if i did want to be a bastard over this issue, it would have gotten very very very messy. wah shiok lah got drama until like that over one weekend. sianz sianz sianz.
i'm beginning the final phase of the SIAEC thingy, here is when it is determined whether or not its a make or break scenario, geez i need a miracle to work this one out. hope for the best, prepare for the worst. of course i'm more inclined to the first one.
sean (xp4) out

well it is more or less over now....
3 years at NP, finally done and over with. i just sent in the email to christina just a couple of minutes ago. so yeah, i guess things are over now. or rather it is a new beginning in my life.
just talked to dani. ho boy if there was one thing that could have topped off the shiok feeling from leaving the medallist interview, was the fact that i could talk (really talk) to her.
and well things do look good from here lah. or rather this might be the peak in the wave of life :P:P:P
after my exams i managed to find time to really empty my batteries, hit the force reset button and just clear myself of any negative energy. it had really helped a lot, in fact when i went over to zhe hao's place to spend the night after that crappy time at MOS (officially known as Ministry of Sound, to me it's known as a Mass Of Sleaze/Skanks) oh well got to see our buddy really wasted there hahahahahahaha.
it is only after the exams was when i managed to clear up the stress and really think through and focus on what's important for me which of course is dani. only then did i realise how much i had cared/felt for her. so that night, ok lah i tried to get her to sleep, cos she wasn't feeling well and i was kinda in a real party mood (wanted to set the town on fire, when painting it red would have sufficed for others) so didn't really want to talk much either lah.
but it was more of a case of when i really drained the energy and was left with really not much of the stress left, only then did i realize what i have done. i had almost destroyed something quite precious. so my only hope is that i managed to repair the damage done.
but also thinking about it, i guess i also didn't know how to react to such a situation in all honesty. i had my bond screwing up on me, i was running out of hope for my future, i was terribly confused, i had my girl leave for her studies, i had my exams which were falling apart on me.
i guess with all of these developments, i just couldn't handle it and i began what i thought was getting rid of a lot of dead weight in my life. i guess i really fucked up there, in jettisonning a source of weight, i could gain maneuverability and a bit more endurance in my dogfight of life, only of course to later on realize it was also my main external tank
*what a dumbass
but it was a serious case of me just losing hope. well in that really low point in my life, a bullet through my head or a real serious car accident seemed very inviting, but i guess there is more to life than just a whole down period. and it seems as though i went through it alone.
no choice i guess. it's something i have to handle on my own.
but another thing that was a factor in the way i reacted to dani, was a very sad case of me clinging onto old fundamentals about my character. well for one, it is a fundamental rule in my life, "if you can do it once, you can do it again" it goes for many things but mostly bad so another way i look at ppl , is that if you can screw me over once, you can do it again. in this case it was unfortunate that dani did screw me over once, and i believe to date it was the largest most painful way i could've ever gotten screwed over. of course SIAEC isn't too far behind, but i guess after the first dani screw over, anything can be recovered and resolved with the right amount of effort and strength.
well back to the main point, dani did screw me over, something i cannot forget. along with it came many painful lessons and quite a bit of hardship, but it was in that time after, that i really saw what i could've become and well now here i am at the end of one volume of the chronicles of my life where i can look back and say that it was my turning point there. however there are a lot of things that are yet to be cleaned up. you can teach an old dog new tricks, just that you got to really beat the crap out of the dog and maybe some of it will sink in. in my case, i am a slave to my own principles. they define who i am, they determine who i am going to be. sad to say that dani screwed me over, on a very minor and slight issue, in the same country as me, so when she goes over, what then? at that point in time my mentality was one of survival, screw strategies, get the tactics right to tackle shit one problem at a time, and my only strategy in a real tight case, (until you have explicitly proven otherwise), is i do whatever is necessary not to get myself hurt, and i mean whatever is necessary, maybe not to hurt but to reduce pain and stuff by as much a degree as possible. tactically sound to get me clear and ready to fight a situation, but strategically foolish as i would have destroyed something important and precious.
unfortunately i hate to admit it but dani has not reached that level where i can overlook some of my more fundamental and core principles namely that one, yet...
it's sad for me to also realize that she hasn't reached that stage yet, and unfortunately might have to go through quite a bit more to reach that state, which i will try as best i can to help her get there. but shit this is something really hard to get over, for one it's almost 3 years of hardwiring into me that she's got to get over, not so easy, i dun even know how i managed to wire it up in such a manner, but oh well. i'm going to fix it, if not i'll die trying, i just hope that she understands that well technically it is her damn fault lah, but i'm trying to make this work, it's just that this problem is here.
now enough about fundamental principles, now about my future, ok i did consider the SAF Academic Scholarship or SAS and well it looks like a good deal, but one thing comes out in my mind i know i'm doing it for her, i'm making some sort of sacrifice by leaving either a SG or a UK based education to head down to Aussie and study there. i found a way to realize what i like, which is aerospace and business and even a course that combines both of them. but one thing just kept haunting me. fundamentally i dun mind where i go, but i go for a reason and she's that reason. but will she leave me alone there halfway? it is a possibility. so yeah shit, just when i thought i had life more or less settled, yeps this is what the fuck happens. haiz. oh well "step by step, walk the thousand mile road" i will and i guess even when i'm down and stuff i know i still love her, well i do, if not would i be doing something like this? hehe.
now onto XP4, he was a part of my personality that i had developed to handle my agressive and competitive nature, which later on incorporated my anger as well. the thing is that well as part of my initial D gaming and stuff i nurtured the guy and well he was my split personality. as time went on by, i slowly started to add to his portfolio other things, till he became my evil side and my ultimate monster. fucking hell i should have finished reading jekyll and hyde before she left, at least that way i could have let XP4 die out before he really caused some serious damage. well i did try to suppress him during my hard times and well once he managed to get loose all hell broke out what a pisser eh? oh well life goes on.
oh yes and my final update. ~ initial D scene
iro dh dry *evo 4 3'00"498 from 3'01"300
akagi dh dry *evo 3 2'23"680 from 2'25"100 (no tst)
*Rx-8 2'23"521
*GC8V 2'23"980
akina uh dry *GC8V 3'11"xxx
bug tuned HAVOK GC8V is now full tuned!!! yay!!!

@XP4@ (SE3P) now is a level 26 car, bloody shit aura color haven't change yet sianz...
PS it's 7.42 pm and i am still in campus typing this out, what the fuck man??? i have technically graduated and i'm still here :P:P:P old habits die hard i guess