well it is more or less over now....
3 years at NP, finally done and over with. i just sent in the email to christina just a couple of minutes ago. so yeah, i guess things are over now. or rather it is a new beginning in my life.
just talked to dani. ho boy if there was one thing that could have topped off the shiok feeling from leaving the medallist interview, was the fact that i could talk (really talk) to her.
and well things do look good from here lah. or rather this might be the peak in the wave of life :P:P:P
after my exams i managed to find time to really empty my batteries, hit the force reset button and just clear myself of any negative energy. it had really helped a lot, in fact when i went over to zhe hao's place to spend the night after that crappy time at MOS (officially known as Ministry of Sound, to me it's known as a Mass Of Sleaze/Skanks) oh well got to see our buddy really wasted there hahahahahahaha.
it is only after the exams was when i managed to clear up the stress and really think through and focus on what's important for me which of course is dani. only then did i realise how much i had cared/felt for her. so that night, ok lah i tried to get her to sleep, cos she wasn't feeling well and i was kinda in a real party mood (wanted to set the town on fire, when painting it red would have sufficed for others) so didn't really want to talk much either lah.
but it was more of a case of when i really drained the energy and was left with really not much of the stress left, only then did i realize what i have done. i had almost destroyed something quite precious. so my only hope is that i managed to repair the damage done.
but also thinking about it, i guess i also didn't know how to react to such a situation in all honesty. i had my bond screwing up on me, i was running out of hope for my future, i was terribly confused, i had my girl leave for her studies, i had my exams which were falling apart on me.
i guess with all of these developments, i just couldn't handle it and i began what i thought was getting rid of a lot of dead weight in my life. i guess i really fucked up there, in jettisonning a source of weight, i could gain maneuverability and a bit more endurance in my dogfight of life, only of course to later on realize it was also my main external tank
*what a dumbass
but it was a serious case of me just losing hope. well in that really low point in my life, a bullet through my head or a real serious car accident seemed very inviting, but i guess there is more to life than just a whole down period. and it seems as though i went through it alone.
no choice i guess. it's something i have to handle on my own.
but another thing that was a factor in the way i reacted to dani, was a very sad case of me clinging onto old fundamentals about my character. well for one, it is a fundamental rule in my life, "if you can do it once, you can do it again" it goes for many things but mostly bad so another way i look at ppl , is that if you can screw me over once, you can do it again. in this case it was unfortunate that dani did screw me over once, and i believe to date it was the largest most painful way i could've ever gotten screwed over. of course SIAEC isn't too far behind, but i guess after the first dani screw over, anything can be recovered and resolved with the right amount of effort and strength.
well back to the main point, dani did screw me over, something i cannot forget. along with it came many painful lessons and quite a bit of hardship, but it was in that time after, that i really saw what i could've become and well now here i am at the end of one volume of the chronicles of my life where i can look back and say that it was my turning point there. however there are a lot of things that are yet to be cleaned up. you can teach an old dog new tricks, just that you got to really beat the crap out of the dog and maybe some of it will sink in. in my case, i am a slave to my own principles. they define who i am, they determine who i am going to be. sad to say that dani screwed me over, on a very minor and slight issue, in the same country as me, so when she goes over, what then? at that point in time my mentality was one of survival, screw strategies, get the tactics right to tackle shit one problem at a time, and my only strategy in a real tight case, (until you have explicitly proven otherwise), is i do whatever is necessary not to get myself hurt, and i mean whatever is necessary, maybe not to hurt but to reduce pain and stuff by as much a degree as possible. tactically sound to get me clear and ready to fight a situation, but strategically foolish as i would have destroyed something important and precious.
unfortunately i hate to admit it but dani has not reached that level where i can overlook some of my more fundamental and core principles namely that one, yet...
it's sad for me to also realize that she hasn't reached that stage yet, and unfortunately might have to go through quite a bit more to reach that state, which i will try as best i can to help her get there. but shit this is something really hard to get over, for one it's almost 3 years of hardwiring into me that she's got to get over, not so easy, i dun even know how i managed to wire it up in such a manner, but oh well. i'm going to fix it, if not i'll die trying, i just hope that she understands that well technically it is her damn fault lah, but i'm trying to make this work, it's just that this problem is here.
now enough about fundamental principles, now about my future, ok i did consider the SAF Academic Scholarship or SAS and well it looks like a good deal, but one thing comes out in my mind i know i'm doing it for her, i'm making some sort of sacrifice by leaving either a SG or a UK based education to head down to Aussie and study there. i found a way to realize what i like, which is aerospace and business and even a course that combines both of them. but one thing just kept haunting me. fundamentally i dun mind where i go, but i go for a reason and she's that reason. but will she leave me alone there halfway? it is a possibility. so yeah shit, just when i thought i had life more or less settled, yeps this is what the fuck happens. haiz. oh well "step by step, walk the thousand mile road" i will and i guess even when i'm down and stuff i know i still love her, well i do, if not would i be doing something like this? hehe.
now onto XP4, he was a part of my personality that i had developed to handle my agressive and competitive nature, which later on incorporated my anger as well. the thing is that well as part of my initial D gaming and stuff i nurtured the guy and well he was my split personality. as time went on by, i slowly started to add to his portfolio other things, till he became my evil side and my ultimate monster. fucking hell i should have finished reading jekyll and hyde before she left, at least that way i could have let XP4 die out before he really caused some serious damage. well i did try to suppress him during my hard times and well once he managed to get loose all hell broke out what a pisser eh? oh well life goes on.
oh yes and my final update. ~ initial D scene
iro dh dry *evo 4 3'00"498 from 3'01"300
akagi dh dry *evo 3 2'23"680 from 2'25"100 (no tst)
*Rx-8 2'23"521
*GC8V 2'23"980
akina uh dry *GC8V 3'11"xxx
bug tuned HAVOK GC8V is now full tuned!!! yay!!!

@XP4@ (SE3P) now is a level 26 car, bloody shit aura color haven't change yet sianz...
PS it's 7.42 pm and i am still in campus typing this out, what the fuck man??? i have technically graduated and i'm still here :P:P:P old habits die hard i guess