ever had a nightmare so scary to the point where it felt real?

it's official as of the 4th of April 2006 at five twenty pm local SG time, i've degraded myself to the level of dumbest son of a bitch alive. yes that's right i have wasted 3 years of my life and now if things do not change, i'll waste another 8 more years of my life. wow, isn't that great eh? 11 years of my life wasted, shit i'm not even 20 yet.
if i could turn, turn back the hands of time, i would not have signed that god forsaken bond in the first place. believe me i wouldn't.
at five years it was perfect, i could learn something, work, get enough money to do my degree in whatever field i wanted to.
at five and a half (a.k.a. 6 years) i could learn something, shit one year wasted, work hard, still got chance to start degree before i turn 30
at 8 years, you had me on the brink of suicide, cheated me of my hard work in my diploma, made me want to give up on aviation totally, and insulted me to a level nobody has ever done in my entire 19 year existence.

oh well the roller coaster ride is just beginning again. and yep i did sign the stupid supplementary deed for the 8 year deal. ho god i so wished that the bus would run me over as i crossed the road to the carpark. apparently none did. shit.
that very evening i was so zoned out, i could actually go to gelare, buy a large waffle with chocolate overload with cream and syrup and stuff, and just sit there and watch my mom eat it slowly in front of me, and when she offered me some i just refused to eat it, despite the fact that i paid for it.
of course the latest news is that joyce has gotten kicked out of poly, won't go into too much detail, but if you know her well enough, i dun need to say much lah. but in all honesty i so wish i could trade places with her. with a sick sense of satisfaction, you know that you screwed up so badly and wasted three years of your life, ending up in failure. but at least you enjoyed yourself partying and such, and most important of all, you screwed yourself up and now you're paying the price for it.
on my end?
i did everything right. worked hard. got a Ngee Ann Scholarship in year 2, clocked distinctions as well as book prizes, have a good CCA record with excellence in leadership and stuff.
to what end?
to find out that i have to do a 3 year course with all the mechanical engineerning diploma grads, and to have no (a.k.a zero, zilch, nada, etc) exemptions whatsoever.
then i study aerospace FOR WHAT FUCK?
to be honest the worst feeling in the world is not confined to failure. but to know that you did everything right, and it results in not only failure but the greatest insult to one of the greatest stars in your constellation of life. of course what makes this perfect (cue most sarcastic voice available), is that i had played no part in fucking it up.

i so want to die right now man

did the whole dobby thing, but can't sleep
wake up in the morning, and dun even want to wake up
wake up in the morning, can't bear to look at myself in the mirror
i so want to plow everthing that i get my hands on right into my head (bacardi bottle, handphone, and god knows what else is hard enough to cause damage)

this reverts back to my original question, did you ever have a dream so real that it was scary.
i know i had

fell asleep again this morning, yes after waking up at six.
this time around on the couch, i could see myself sitting in that same room, signing the damn document, and on it was the heading "11 year sentence"
then i drifted off to the range at Nee Soon Camp, there i was in full uniform and stuff, i was in the fox hole. my partner as usual wasn't really giving a shit, neither were the range safety officers and specialists. i could detect the acrid scent of gunpowder in the air. after firing all but one of my rounds, i made the conscious decision to lower the rifle, point it under my chin and firing (i felt a brief pain, then nothing).
then again i was back in the room signing the document, and back again at the range. once again i made the conscious decision to blow my brains out. it happened over and over and over again.
the thing with me is that even in my dreams i take shit seriously and my close friends who are CLTs know particularly that i am shit scared of the range and the rifle with live rounds, and i dun fool around at range and of course if ppl do fool around at range, the price of hell is to be paid lah.
the fact is this, i lived my demise in my dream, repeatedly.
and each and everytime, i went back to the range, i had the choice still, but i decided to pull the trigger.

to make the feeling worse, i got my offer of admission into NTU today, yeps Aerospace Engineering. wow, i feel even worse now, knowing that i gave that up.

you know what? in BMT there are live firing sessions, and i so intend to make full use of them.