if life were to be a game of choice, then it would seem that i chose to fuck up totally.
here i am living off borrowed time for another day. drifting around in a shroud of pointless pleasantries. that very day in july, i should have pulled the god damned trigger. i should have but didn't. now i may have lost my very chance to ever do such a thing again.so many chances, so many things that i have missed. was i waiting for something better to pull me along? what have i got left to make life worth my while? i honestly have no idea. i've spent months searching for an answer to my questions only to find more questions waiting to be answered, than when i had first begun with. i so should have pulled that trigger or took off the ledge. the concept of borrowed time can only last for oh so long. i dun know how much more i can borrow and how much more i can take before losing it again. i've already proven to a shitload of ppl that i am a nutcase and a total screwball. i think i should really just take the damn chance and totally lose it once and for all. and maybe this time finish the work that i have started.

i'm now suffering from the mood disease, depression. well i kinda got an idea of what it's like when i was with the OO in tekong. yeah, of all the mother fucking diseases to be inflicted with, depression the mood disease is by far one of the worst. for one, from what i know it is not cured easily or rather at all for that matter. it drains you of whatever life you have left. in the process it empties your soul. any benefits? yeps, you get a miserable but "experienced" outlook at the world.
geez what a surprise i managed to last this long and survived till today. and i mean it ......
sometimes i pity the guys who get life imprisonment, they should have been killed and have gotten it over with long before they start to rot slowly in a prison cell. i know the feeling, i have no idea how long i will be in this prison cell of a mind of mine, or rather if i can even get out of it.
of course nowadays i get frequent bouts of depression as well as real severe mood swings. i dun know how much longer i can keep these in control before i snap again. i really don't know.
maybe i should just leave the air force and go back to the army, where at least i can get to hold a weapon and hopefully do some damage with it. i think it is so much better, than being confronted by something that you are good at and hate for 2 years. i think i need this kind of break, at least it helps a lot more.... or so i hope

On the charges of:
Severe incompetence
Failure to discharge duties
Causing grievous hurt to loved ones
Destroying a life
Giving up hope
Bad timing

We the members of the jury find you guilty of all the above mentioned charges.

This court hereby sentences you to death by a firing squad, the date of your execution is yet to be determined and set.

May whatever God have mercy on your soul.

This court is adjourned.

XP4, you may appeal to your sentence, considering that you are the judge, the jury and the executioner.

No, i would not appeal against my sentence.

It's the price to pay for failure.
Grave failure.

XP4 out.

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins -- but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle
Love can ignite the stars.

Excerpt from Star Wars "Revenge of the Sith"

VICTORY

The dark is generous
It's first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.
It's second gift is comforting illusion: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of it's comforts, is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.
Its third gift is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the center of its own self.
With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins.

SEDUCTION

The dark is generous, and it is patient.
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.
The dark's patience is infinite.
Eventually, even stars burn out.

APOCALYPSE

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins.
It always wins because it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire; it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed. Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

This is probably part 2 of my poem titled tried running away

you left for melbourne that day
i would hopefully hear from you that night
it's a 7000km plus journey
or a 7 hour flight

i waited like forever just to know that you're safe
apparently we had problems and thus no conversatoin was the case
i had other things to worry about like a HF test the next day
and apparently other sorts of misery were about to come my way

study week was next and it was loaded full of mugging
university applications had to be sent in, it involved a lot of driving
tired as i was things began to fall apart
once again, who's to bear the load? yeah, my heart

too many things going wrong
too many things being called out to see
all of a sudden the world came crashing down on me

the deal had taken on a twist round about an unfair slope
alas! with things falling apart, again i had lost hope.
with exhaustion i trudged home that very night
and after receiving the news i had burned out another light

for the exam i studied like a maddened little fool
there was too much to study for,
too vast and too wide
at the end of that exam, for the first time in my life i broke down and cried

there were another two more papers to go.
well this was the first round now on with the show.
the second one left me with another lost feeling of hope
somehow watching movies in the library helped me manage to cope

it was only 2 more days till my last day in school

i took the last paper with the knowledge that i would pass
later that night we were going to party at MOS
of course the night took a shitty turn when the guys came really late
so much for our post examinations party date

i had the medallist interview which could determine my fate
wow this might be something that i could add to my plate
finally life seemed to be on the upswing on a high
but once again i had to see my hopes die

for a start it was bumming around with no direction
all jobs applied for resulted in rejection
"you can't work for more than 3 months it isn't a good thing"
"i'm sorry you can try another place, we aren't hiring"

ben started to have problems too as he fell from the sky
his girl gave him problems that too we can't deny
the problems she gave still haunt him till today
i kept my end of the deal, supporting him all the way

to really pull him out of his misery
i dragged him and we applied for australian universities
the next day we went to see if we had a chance
apparently for us it seemed to be our last dance

cornered like rats we ran out of steam
both he and i gave up our air force dream

stuck with despair and a bleak outlook on life
again i had to deal with another nightmare full of strife
the deal had taken a twist and i had no way out
this was just round 2 of the bout

i dunno lah. maybe easter is a time for rebirth and new life and new opportunities and typical shit like that.
well life's on the rebound for just a day and it's turning out fine for now, maybe after scraping rock bottom for the past four months, maybe i'm on the rebound and on the way up again. let's just hope so lah.
i'm just wondering out loud here. dani and i have a lot of issues we have yet to trash out and stuff. and i really want to clear up a lot of the shit that has been going on between me and her. i just hope that it might not be too late to really clear up the shit. cos to give up on something like that after all the crap, i think isn't the way to go. it can work. i'm just hoping that she is willing to work with me on the new direction (heard that dani?) we made enough mistakes, going this way , so let's try something different. let's just hope that it works