if life were to be a game of choice, then it would seem that i chose to fuck up totally.
here i am living off borrowed time for another day. drifting around in a shroud of pointless pleasantries. that very day in july, i should have pulled the god damned trigger. i should have but didn't. now i may have lost my very chance to ever do such a thing again.so many chances, so many things that i have missed. was i waiting for something better to pull me along? what have i got left to make life worth my while? i honestly have no idea. i've spent months searching for an answer to my questions only to find more questions waiting to be answered, than when i had first begun with. i so should have pulled that trigger or took off the ledge. the concept of borrowed time can only last for oh so long. i dun know how much more i can borrow and how much more i can take before losing it again. i've already proven to a shitload of ppl that i am a nutcase and a total screwball. i think i should really just take the damn chance and totally lose it once and for all. and maybe this time finish the work that i have started.

i'm now suffering from the mood disease, depression. well i kinda got an idea of what it's like when i was with the OO in tekong. yeah, of all the mother fucking diseases to be inflicted with, depression the mood disease is by far one of the worst. for one, from what i know it is not cured easily or rather at all for that matter. it drains you of whatever life you have left. in the process it empties your soul. any benefits? yeps, you get a miserable but "experienced" outlook at the world.
geez what a surprise i managed to last this long and survived till today. and i mean it ......
sometimes i pity the guys who get life imprisonment, they should have been killed and have gotten it over with long before they start to rot slowly in a prison cell. i know the feeling, i have no idea how long i will be in this prison cell of a mind of mine, or rather if i can even get out of it.
of course nowadays i get frequent bouts of depression as well as real severe mood swings. i dun know how much longer i can keep these in control before i snap again. i really don't know.
maybe i should just leave the air force and go back to the army, where at least i can get to hold a weapon and hopefully do some damage with it. i think it is so much better, than being confronted by something that you are good at and hate for 2 years. i think i need this kind of break, at least it helps a lot more.... or so i hope