The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins -- but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle
Love can ignite the stars.

Excerpt from Star Wars "Revenge of the Sith"

VICTORY

The dark is generous
It's first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.
It's second gift is comforting illusion: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of it's comforts, is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.
Its third gift is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the center of its own self.
With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins.

SEDUCTION

The dark is generous, and it is patient.
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.
The dark's patience is infinite.
Eventually, even stars burn out.

APOCALYPSE

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins.
It always wins because it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire; it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed. Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

This is probably part 2 of my poem titled tried running away

you left for melbourne that day
i would hopefully hear from you that night
it's a 7000km plus journey
or a 7 hour flight

i waited like forever just to know that you're safe
apparently we had problems and thus no conversatoin was the case
i had other things to worry about like a HF test the next day
and apparently other sorts of misery were about to come my way

study week was next and it was loaded full of mugging
university applications had to be sent in, it involved a lot of driving
tired as i was things began to fall apart
once again, who's to bear the load? yeah, my heart

too many things going wrong
too many things being called out to see
all of a sudden the world came crashing down on me

the deal had taken on a twist round about an unfair slope
alas! with things falling apart, again i had lost hope.
with exhaustion i trudged home that very night
and after receiving the news i had burned out another light

for the exam i studied like a maddened little fool
there was too much to study for,
too vast and too wide
at the end of that exam, for the first time in my life i broke down and cried

there were another two more papers to go.
well this was the first round now on with the show.
the second one left me with another lost feeling of hope
somehow watching movies in the library helped me manage to cope

it was only 2 more days till my last day in school

i took the last paper with the knowledge that i would pass
later that night we were going to party at MOS
of course the night took a shitty turn when the guys came really late
so much for our post examinations party date

i had the medallist interview which could determine my fate
wow this might be something that i could add to my plate
finally life seemed to be on the upswing on a high
but once again i had to see my hopes die

for a start it was bumming around with no direction
all jobs applied for resulted in rejection
"you can't work for more than 3 months it isn't a good thing"
"i'm sorry you can try another place, we aren't hiring"

ben started to have problems too as he fell from the sky
his girl gave him problems that too we can't deny
the problems she gave still haunt him till today
i kept my end of the deal, supporting him all the way

to really pull him out of his misery
i dragged him and we applied for australian universities
the next day we went to see if we had a chance
apparently for us it seemed to be our last dance

cornered like rats we ran out of steam
both he and i gave up our air force dream

stuck with despair and a bleak outlook on life
again i had to deal with another nightmare full of strife
the deal had taken a twist and i had no way out
this was just round 2 of the bout

i dunno lah. maybe easter is a time for rebirth and new life and new opportunities and typical shit like that.
well life's on the rebound for just a day and it's turning out fine for now, maybe after scraping rock bottom for the past four months, maybe i'm on the rebound and on the way up again. let's just hope so lah.
i'm just wondering out loud here. dani and i have a lot of issues we have yet to trash out and stuff. and i really want to clear up a lot of the shit that has been going on between me and her. i just hope that it might not be too late to really clear up the shit. cos to give up on something like that after all the crap, i think isn't the way to go. it can work. i'm just hoping that she is willing to work with me on the new direction (heard that dani?) we made enough mistakes, going this way , so let's try something different. let's just hope that it works

bullet i'm waiting for you...
bullet i'm calling for you....
where the hell are you?
you're supposed to be lodged right in the middle of my head

WHERE ARE YOU???

i hate having those kind of conversations with dani.
didn't even want it to twist that way
WHY WHY WHY?
why torment me to this state?

i don't want to talk to her anymore if it's going to be like this....
this is real shit

now mom is having a fit throwing books around (at me more like)
getting angry at bryan.... again (he always fucks up to this state)

geez, i climb up just to slide down again
i dun want this anymore

i really really really had enough.
try to do things right, only to hit a dead end brick wall.
dunno whether or not i'll last to see you bullet

well life, if you're ready i pulled myself together now, so where's your truck to run me over with again? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?
oh yeah you did do it last night again.
dani and her 50 second phone call. not bad considering i waited for it for hours. and also owing to the fact that again like Peter Andre's words.
I'd be sitting by the phone
hoping you'd call
by the time the night is through
i feel like a mother fucking fool

i really feel like giving up lah. completely.
come on life, deal the final death blow to me for fucking out loud. though please wait till wednesday night when mom comes back from Vietnam.
i'm just really fed up. i go through a whole ordeal, hold myself together and when i finally pull through for a couple of hours another bloody disaster strikes. oh well NS isn't too far off. 5.56 bullets aren't too far off. so just hang in my sanity then.
in the mean while to prepare for such a situation, i shall begin the process of undoing my life. bit by bit by bit.
so that by the time the opportune moment is present, i am able to do the right thing.

ever had a nightmare so scary to the point where it felt real?

it's official as of the 4th of April 2006 at five twenty pm local SG time, i've degraded myself to the level of dumbest son of a bitch alive. yes that's right i have wasted 3 years of my life and now if things do not change, i'll waste another 8 more years of my life. wow, isn't that great eh? 11 years of my life wasted, shit i'm not even 20 yet.
if i could turn, turn back the hands of time, i would not have signed that god forsaken bond in the first place. believe me i wouldn't.
at five years it was perfect, i could learn something, work, get enough money to do my degree in whatever field i wanted to.
at five and a half (a.k.a. 6 years) i could learn something, shit one year wasted, work hard, still got chance to start degree before i turn 30
at 8 years, you had me on the brink of suicide, cheated me of my hard work in my diploma, made me want to give up on aviation totally, and insulted me to a level nobody has ever done in my entire 19 year existence.

oh well the roller coaster ride is just beginning again. and yep i did sign the stupid supplementary deed for the 8 year deal. ho god i so wished that the bus would run me over as i crossed the road to the carpark. apparently none did. shit.
that very evening i was so zoned out, i could actually go to gelare, buy a large waffle with chocolate overload with cream and syrup and stuff, and just sit there and watch my mom eat it slowly in front of me, and when she offered me some i just refused to eat it, despite the fact that i paid for it.
of course the latest news is that joyce has gotten kicked out of poly, won't go into too much detail, but if you know her well enough, i dun need to say much lah. but in all honesty i so wish i could trade places with her. with a sick sense of satisfaction, you know that you screwed up so badly and wasted three years of your life, ending up in failure. but at least you enjoyed yourself partying and such, and most important of all, you screwed yourself up and now you're paying the price for it.
on my end?
i did everything right. worked hard. got a Ngee Ann Scholarship in year 2, clocked distinctions as well as book prizes, have a good CCA record with excellence in leadership and stuff.
to what end?
to find out that i have to do a 3 year course with all the mechanical engineerning diploma grads, and to have no (a.k.a zero, zilch, nada, etc) exemptions whatsoever.
then i study aerospace FOR WHAT FUCK?
to be honest the worst feeling in the world is not confined to failure. but to know that you did everything right, and it results in not only failure but the greatest insult to one of the greatest stars in your constellation of life. of course what makes this perfect (cue most sarcastic voice available), is that i had played no part in fucking it up.

i so want to die right now man

did the whole dobby thing, but can't sleep
wake up in the morning, and dun even want to wake up
wake up in the morning, can't bear to look at myself in the mirror
i so want to plow everthing that i get my hands on right into my head (bacardi bottle, handphone, and god knows what else is hard enough to cause damage)

this reverts back to my original question, did you ever have a dream so real that it was scary.
i know i had

fell asleep again this morning, yes after waking up at six.
this time around on the couch, i could see myself sitting in that same room, signing the damn document, and on it was the heading "11 year sentence"
then i drifted off to the range at Nee Soon Camp, there i was in full uniform and stuff, i was in the fox hole. my partner as usual wasn't really giving a shit, neither were the range safety officers and specialists. i could detect the acrid scent of gunpowder in the air. after firing all but one of my rounds, i made the conscious decision to lower the rifle, point it under my chin and firing (i felt a brief pain, then nothing).
then again i was back in the room signing the document, and back again at the range. once again i made the conscious decision to blow my brains out. it happened over and over and over again.
the thing with me is that even in my dreams i take shit seriously and my close friends who are CLTs know particularly that i am shit scared of the range and the rifle with live rounds, and i dun fool around at range and of course if ppl do fool around at range, the price of hell is to be paid lah.
the fact is this, i lived my demise in my dream, repeatedly.
and each and everytime, i went back to the range, i had the choice still, but i decided to pull the trigger.

to make the feeling worse, i got my offer of admission into NTU today, yeps Aerospace Engineering. wow, i feel even worse now, knowing that i gave that up.

you know what? in BMT there are live firing sessions, and i so intend to make full use of them.