damn i miss her a lot, even though when i'm messaging her online, yes we're not talking sadly. but oh well one part of me feels kinda good that it's her cos i miss her terribly, though the real messed up part of me doesn't want for me to talk to her, haiz i dun know lah. all i know is that i miss her, i guess that counts for something?
today was a real shitter. found out that mr lim is back in PET, so that's a good sign? i dunno. well he's got my best interests at heart, but it's a well known fact that his balls are in there but in the wrong place. he's very arty farty airy fairy, but a bloody genius, one that i have come to respect. well talked to the dude, he says that RMIT is out, ain't such a good uni. oh well looks like i need to consider other options.
the problem that i face now is this, if i go to the US or the UK for my studies under bond of scholarship, i dun know how the hell i can make the relationship work anymore. seriously i dun know. but what i do know is that if i stay in singapore to do my degree i'll be fine, but if i do it under scholarship, i'm even more screwed. so how now? australia isn't the place to go from what i can tell. haiz, so confused so sad. nvm lah now just chiong and get things in order then see where my winds take me.

Well broke down twice today, one at St Mary of the Angels and the second time in the car while driving mom back. geez today is one shitter of a day. and yada yada yada, i'm feeling a bit better until i came back home and went online. yes she was there again. to be honest whenever i talk to her online i really really really feel like shit. i dun know what the hell it is about, but yeah i feel like shit, just talking to her. i dun feel good at all. and all we seem to talk about is just the miseries of life that i'm and her are going through.
sometimes i just wonder whether or not a relationship is meant to be like this. it's just so shitty for now. today would be a good example. i come back feeling a lot better from talking to mom and i have some hope and some energy perked up in me. a few minutes into the conversation with her, i borderline slip back into depression again. geez, is this the way to go? i dun really know man. i dun know what else to do... i'm really tired now, had a long crappy day, study for AFPS for three days, it's almost like not studying at all. all the questions that came out were unfortunately from the places where i didn't pay close attention to. haiz, what to do? sad and stressed lah. very stressed.

How do you kill a man with no fear? You put fear in him.
How do you kill Xp4? You remove the floor from under his feet, and remove hope from him and confuse him totally, and of course prolong it for a long period of time......
i'm burnt,i'm battered, i'm broken, i'm tired, i'm with the faintest idea of hope, i had the ground on which i stand removed from me, i have my heart broken, i am confused, and i'm losing my will to live.
when i first encountered the problem of the grant going wrong, my resolve was to make it work no matter what, and i was willing to make it work at almost any cost. slowly, but surely, dad in his "infinite wisdom" (cue sarcastic tone of voice), had from the start tried to convince me to get out of this "mess". slowly but surely, he broke my resolve, my heart, in finally convincing me that another alternative is always better. and true enough for a month now, i have accepted that decision and am now looking for other alternatives. last night mom comes back telling me that they won't let me leave the already shitty deal. i'm kissing uni goodbye for another 6 years. i know her stand, she won't want to pay this one out so i'm still stuck in the shithole of a deal. worse, if i accept their new terms, i'll have another liability of about $8000. i am not willing to let this bond fuck itself any further.
For me it's one blow after another after another. i'm too tired, i cannot go on like this, i think one more blow and i'll be out the window. i can't study properly, i have this nightmare hanging over my head. i'm tired i'm out of hope.
the thing that really pisses me off is the fact that i was willing to make it work, i could see and envision myself working as an LAE happy, and convinced of my dream. now not only has it shattered and become a nightmare unto itself, but now it is going to be forced on me. i dun know what to do anymore. for a start, after a quick summary analysis, i have decided that it was dad's fault throughout for the way i'm feeling now. and henceforth, i'm disowning him as my father and i would not acknowledge him as my father from here on out. he and his bloody mouth and his bitterness toward the company, have affected me long enough. i want out of this nonsense, i want out, and the best way is to shut him out of my life and won't have him affect me any further.

warning: the text that is about to be written contains disturbing facts and imageries if at all and violent languages
that was the warning before I let XP4 out of his cage. She wanted to share and to give emotional support for the problem. I told her that this is my monster, he's got issues, you deal with him you'll get fucked, it's terribly embarassing and once he starts he won't stop, he's a bastard.
well I did warn her in advance but i guess there's no stopping once you have started eh?
On one hand I'm so scared of losing her, on the other hand I had a lot of shit falling on me, I just need to find that time to readjust to life without her physically present. Communications wise? Of late I find that it's a lot of hot - air, dun know how to deal with it. heh heh heh 3 days gone and it has resulted in this. very sad indeed. I just wish that things could be different, but it's wishful thinking at it's best. I dun know what to do with my life anymore. I don't, really. Kinda like that time at mama's funeral when everything came crashing in on me when I was too caught up with my exams to really give a shit. now I feel like I'm in the same position again. too caught up in the rat race. too fucked up. I need some time off, but what I would really want is to see her really fighting for this to work. up till now, unfortunately I have not. i feel like as though i'm just really pushing this along and she's like "oh yeah love you too". i dun know what more i can do. it's really emotionally tiring. but i'm not ready for it yet. just need to clear my mind and to clear my soul of a lot of pressing issues. i need the strength that i once thought i had.
in all honesty, i had once toyed with the idea of just going cold storage like we did the other time, only with a fidelity function, cos at least that way i won't feel like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest, or at least not that badly. but i think it still boils down to a fundamental issue of me not really knowing how she feels, and that right now, i feel like i'm really being shut out of her life.
i would have very much liked to fight XP4 on my own without her coming in like that, i really didn't want her to face up to him and his nonsense, my fear was that she might not be able to take it and true enough after our little "chat" session, it wasn't a fear anymore, but a reality. i think that she couldn't deal with him and his crap. that's why i wanted to fight him on my own. besides i had a rough day, running around, settling my uni admissions and stuff like that, then had to settle eunice, who looks like she could use a bit of help. and yeah mugging away. trying to forget that she's gone. redirecting my focus onto something more tangible and important for that matter. hence the mugging. geez i guess it's a bad combo of me being tired and having all of this shit crop up on me at one go. yeah when i bumped my chin, on jazzy, and i almost cursed, mom yelled at me and i walked off and took the train home. honestly on the train i felt a lot better, just reading the 8 days, not worrying about traffic or mom telling me to go slow, or the taxi drivers trying to be bitches. I guess I might be able to deal with it tomorrow after a good night's rest. at least now I only have my exams and that stupid study grant hanging over my head, and of course dani. but fuck it lah, a little more alcohol, a bit of sleep, and a lot more clarity awaits in the morning, cheerio.

well last night was another experience altogether. apparently i did threaten to break up with dani. shit manz, i can't believe that i let that one out :S haiz i dunno lah. she mentioned leaving to do a backpacking thingy across australia for like 6 months. fuck man! i dun have that luxury. i wish i did, but even then, sorry i won't want to do something like that. hence my statement of no i won't do it and yes i would break up with her. in all honesty, i think that this is the culmination of how i feel with regard to giving a lot in this relationship. to be damn honest, i'm pretty fed up with all this shit. i dunno how the hell i would put up with it. maybe the reason why is because i love her. but fuck man i am not going to give up a whole month of my life to do this kind of thing. sorry i cannot. i will have a job. i will have responsibilities. i will want to channel my life into something useful for me and my fellow man. this may be narrow minded in a way, but i guess i'm thinking of things in the long run. i dun mind taking time off if i have to lah, but seriously to take a month off just like that. fuck lor i do not have that luxury. i really don't.
and yes finally i'm beginning to see what john saw back in snafu day. she is selfish. i let her go and do that thing at a great expense to myself and to be honest, i don't think i got anything out of that one, in fact i'm still paying the price for letting it happen. and i think i am getting fed up with the whole thing. she leaves for 4 months at a go. every year i would only spend 4 months with her (maximum). to me in theory the idea is ok lah. but in practice let's face it, that kind of a relationship is pretty taxing to deal with, and in essence is very very very fucked up. and yet here she goes on about chasing her dreams and stuff. fuck lah, you pay the price. for me if shit hits the roof, first of all i would not endure the indignity of the previous time. i will burn the bridge before it burns me.

now these questions haunt me like hell.
1. Was i too harsh in making such an ultimatum?
2. Is it reasonable for me to feel this way?
3. How is this going to affect us?
4. Given these points, can i make it work?

she also says that she can live her life on her own and be a very private person. fine so what the hell is that supposed to mean? that you can live without me? fine, i guess. if you want it that way, what else can i do? i know how to protect myself.
i guess mom was right, she is protected. she does not have the responsibilities of life placed on her the way i have mine placed on me. i think it might be wrong for me to expect that kind of mentality from her. i don't really know what to do anymore. i am not young at heart anymore. i have my responsibilities. i think in a very different way. i want to be there, you won't let me. i want you to share your life with me, you barely let me. so what is the damn point there? it's just so superficial.
unfortunately for us, last night i said what i meant and i meant what i said. i cannot compromise on this any further. i want to settle down comfortably before i turn 30. in the process i want to make sure that the career is set, the finances are taken care of and stuff. i have a 2 year lag in life, it's called NS. i cannot help it. and hence why i value time and stuff so much more. i also want to have a healthy and stable relationship with someone by the time i turn 24-26. cos by then if things turn out fine in that field, then i guess it will be fine for a while, can even run on autopilot, i dun need to steer it that much, and other things can be focused on.

eventually it boils down to this. everything has a price, i made a couple of really bad calls, when i know i should have done something different. now it has come back to get to me (in fact it always has). now i'm just wondering whether or not to let this carry on. cos i don't know whether or not it'll work out anymore, she wants to have her carefree life without responsibility, fine. for me it's my life of responsibilities and security and logic. i unfortunately am unwilling to compromise any further. this is my stand. because to me it would be pointless to carry on any further if i compromise anymore. sorry.