Crew Chief Phase, Relax Serve And Fuck off

2006-10-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

if life were to be a game of choice, then it would seem that i chose to fuck up totally.
here i am living off borrowed time for another day. drifting around in a shroud of pointless pleasantries. that very day in july, i should have pulled the god damned trigger. i should have but didn't. now i may have lost my very chance to ever do such a thing again.so many chances, so many things that i have missed. was i waiting for something better to pull me along? what have i got left to make life worth my while? i honestly have no idea. i've spent months searching for an answer to my questions only to find more questions waiting to be answered, than when i had first begun with. i so should have pulled that trigger or took off the ledge. the concept of borrowed time can only last for oh so long. i dun know how much more i can borrow and how much more i can take before losing it again. i've already proven to a shitload of ppl that i am a nutcase and a total screwball. i think i should really just take the damn chance and totally lose it once and for all. and maybe this time finish the work that i have started.

2006-10-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

i'm now suffering from the mood disease, depression. well i kinda got an idea of what it's like when i was with the OO in tekong. yeah, of all the mother fucking diseases to be inflicted with, depression the mood disease is by far one of the worst. for one, from what i know it is not cured easily or rather at all for that matter. it drains you of whatever life you have left. in the process it empties your soul. any benefits? yeps, you get a miserable but "experienced" outlook at the world.
geez what a surprise i managed to last this long and survived till today. and i mean it ......
sometimes i pity the guys who get life imprisonment, they should have been killed and have gotten it over with long before they start to rot slowly in a prison cell. i know the feeling, i have no idea how long i will be in this prison cell of a mind of mine, or rather if i can even get out of it.
of course nowadays i get frequent bouts of depression as well as real severe mood swings. i dun know how much longer i can keep these in control before i snap again. i really don't know.
maybe i should just leave the air force and go back to the army, where at least i can get to hold a weapon and hopefully do some damage with it. i think it is so much better, than being confronted by something that you are good at and hate for 2 years. i think i need this kind of break, at least it helps a lot more.... or so i hope

2006-05-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

On the charges of:
Severe incompetence
Failure to discharge duties
Causing grievous hurt to loved ones
Destroying a life
Giving up hope
Bad timing

We the members of the jury find you guilty of all the above mentioned charges.

This court hereby sentences you to death by a firing squad, the date of your execution is yet to be determined and set.

May whatever God have mercy on your soul.

This court is adjourned.

XP4, you may appeal to your sentence, considering that you are the judge, the jury and the executioner.

No, i would not appeal against my sentence.

It's the price to pay for failure.
Grave failure.

XP4 out.

2006-04-26T20:46:00.000+08:00

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins -- but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle
Love can ignite the stars.

2006-04-25T09:33:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from Star Wars "Revenge of the Sith"

VICTORY

The dark is generous
It's first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.
It's second gift is comforting illusion: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of it's comforts, is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.
Its third gift is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the center of its own self.
With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins.

SEDUCTION

The dark is generous, and it is patient.
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.
The dark's patience is infinite.
Eventually, even stars burn out.

APOCALYPSE

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins.
It always wins because it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire; it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed. Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

2006-04-18T03:45:00.000+08:00

This is probably part 2 of my poem titled tried running away

you left for melbourne that day
i would hopefully hear from you that night
it's a 7000km plus journey
or a 7 hour flight

i waited like forever just to know that you're safe
apparently we had problems and thus no conversatoin was the case
i had other things to worry about like a HF test the next day
and apparently other sorts of misery were about to come my way

study week was next and it was loaded full of mugging
university applications had to be sent in, it involved a lot of driving
tired as i was things began to fall apart
once again, who's to bear the load? yeah, my heart

too many things going wrong
too many things being called out to see
all of a sudden the world came crashing down on me

the deal had taken on a twist round about an unfair slope
alas! with things falling apart, again i had lost hope.
with exhaustion i trudged home that very night
and after receiving the news i had burned out another light

for the exam i studied like a maddened little fool
there was too much to study for,
too vast and too wide
at the end of that exam, for the first time in my life i broke down and cried

there were another two more papers to go.
well this was the first round now on with the show.
the second one left me with another lost feeling of hope
somehow watching movies in the library helped me manage to cope

it was only 2 more days till my last day in school

i took the last paper with the knowledge that i would pass
later that night we were going to party at MOS
of course the night took a shitty turn when the guys came really late
so much for our post examinations party date

i had the medallist interview which could determine my fate
wow this might be something that i could add to my plate
finally life seemed to be on the upswing on a high
but once again i had to see my hopes die

for a start it was bumming around with no direction
all jobs applied for resulted in rejection
"you can't work for more than 3 months it isn't a good thing"
"i'm sorry you can try another place, we aren't hiring"

ben started to have problems too as he fell from the sky
his girl gave him problems that too we can't deny
the problems she gave still haunt him till today
i kept my end of the deal, supporting him all the way

to really pull him out of his misery
i dragged him and we applied for australian universities
the next day we went to see if we had a chance
apparently for us it seemed to be our last dance

cornered like rats we ran out of steam
both he and i gave up our air force dream

stuck with despair and a bleak outlook on life
again i had to deal with another nightmare full of strife
the deal had taken a twist and i had no way out
this was just round 2 of the bout

2006-04-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

i dunno lah. maybe easter is a time for rebirth and new life and new opportunities and typical shit like that.
well life's on the rebound for just a day and it's turning out fine for now, maybe after scraping rock bottom for the past four months, maybe i'm on the rebound and on the way up again. let's just hope so lah.
i'm just wondering out loud here. dani and i have a lot of issues we have yet to trash out and stuff. and i really want to clear up a lot of the shit that has been going on between me and her. i just hope that it might not be too late to really clear up the shit. cos to give up on something like that after all the crap, i think isn't the way to go. it can work. i'm just hoping that she is willing to work with me on the new direction (heard that dani?) we made enough mistakes, going this way , so let's try something different. let's just hope that it works

2006-04-16T21:27:00.000+08:00

bullet i'm waiting for you...
bullet i'm calling for you....
where the hell are you?
you're supposed to be lodged right in the middle of my head

WHERE ARE YOU???

i hate having those kind of conversations with dani.
didn't even want it to twist that way
WHY WHY WHY?
why torment me to this state?

i don't want to talk to her anymore if it's going to be like this....
this is real shit

now mom is having a fit throwing books around (at me more like)
getting angry at bryan.... again (he always fucks up to this state)

geez, i climb up just to slide down again
i dun want this anymore

i really really really had enough.
try to do things right, only to hit a dead end brick wall.
dunno whether or not i'll last to see you bullet

2006-04-10T05:25:00.000+08:00

well life, if you're ready i pulled myself together now, so where's your truck to run me over with again? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?
oh yeah you did do it last night again.
dani and her 50 second phone call. not bad considering i waited for it for hours. and also owing to the fact that again like Peter Andre's words.
I'd be sitting by the phone
hoping you'd call
by the time the night is through
i feel like a mother fucking fool

i really feel like giving up lah. completely.
come on life, deal the final death blow to me for fucking out loud. though please wait till wednesday night when mom comes back from Vietnam.
i'm just really fed up. i go through a whole ordeal, hold myself together and when i finally pull through for a couple of hours another bloody disaster strikes. oh well NS isn't too far off. 5.56 bullets aren't too far off. so just hang in my sanity then.
in the mean while to prepare for such a situation, i shall begin the process of undoing my life. bit by bit by bit.
so that by the time the opportune moment is present, i am able to do the right thing.

2006-04-08T01:04:00.000+08:00

ever had a nightmare so scary to the point where it felt real?

it's official as of the 4th of April 2006 at five twenty pm local SG time, i've degraded myself to the level of dumbest son of a bitch alive. yes that's right i have wasted 3 years of my life and now if things do not change, i'll waste another 8 more years of my life. wow, isn't that great eh? 11 years of my life wasted, shit i'm not even 20 yet.
if i could turn, turn back the hands of time, i would not have signed that god forsaken bond in the first place. believe me i wouldn't.
at five years it was perfect, i could learn something, work, get enough money to do my degree in whatever field i wanted to.
at five and a half (a.k.a. 6 years) i could learn something, shit one year wasted, work hard, still got chance to start degree before i turn 30
at 8 years, you had me on the brink of suicide, cheated me of my hard work in my diploma, made me want to give up on aviation totally, and insulted me to a level nobody has ever done in my entire 19 year existence.

oh well the roller coaster ride is just beginning again. and yep i did sign the stupid supplementary deed for the 8 year deal. ho god i so wished that the bus would run me over as i crossed the road to the carpark. apparently none did. shit.
that very evening i was so zoned out, i could actually go to gelare, buy a large waffle with chocolate overload with cream and syrup and stuff, and just sit there and watch my mom eat it slowly in front of me, and when she offered me some i just refused to eat it, despite the fact that i paid for it.
of course the latest news is that joyce has gotten kicked out of poly, won't go into too much detail, but if you know her well enough, i dun need to say much lah. but in all honesty i so wish i could trade places with her. with a sick sense of satisfaction, you know that you screwed up so badly and wasted three years of your life, ending up in failure. but at least you enjoyed yourself partying and such, and most important of all, you screwed yourself up and now you're paying the price for it.
on my end?
i did everything right. worked hard. got a Ngee Ann Scholarship in year 2, clocked distinctions as well as book prizes, have a good CCA record with excellence in leadership and stuff.
to what end?
to find out that i have to do a 3 year course with all the mechanical engineerning diploma grads, and to have no (a.k.a zero, zilch, nada, etc) exemptions whatsoever.
then i study aerospace FOR WHAT FUCK?
to be honest the worst feeling in the world is not confined to failure. but to know that you did everything right, and it results in not only failure but the greatest insult to one of the greatest stars in your constellation of life. of course what makes this perfect (cue most sarcastic voice available), is that i had played no part in fucking it up.

i so want to die right now man

did the whole dobby thing, but can't sleep
wake up in the morning, and dun even want to wake up
wake up in the morning, can't bear to look at myself in the mirror
i so want to plow everthing that i get my hands on right into my head (bacardi bottle, handphone, and god knows what else is hard enough to cause damage)

this reverts back to my original question, did you ever have a dream so real that it was scary.
i know i had

fell asleep again this morning, yes after waking up at six.
this time around on the couch, i could see myself sitting in that same room, signing the damn document, and on it was the heading "11 year sentence"
then i drifted off to the range at Nee Soon Camp, there i was in full uniform and stuff, i was in the fox hole. my partner as usual wasn't really giving a shit, neither were the range safety officers and specialists. i could detect the acrid scent of gunpowder in the air. after firing all but one of my rounds, i made the conscious decision to lower the rifle, point it under my chin and firing (i felt a brief pain, then nothing).
then again i was back in the room signing the document, and back again at the range. once again i made the conscious decision to blow my brains out. it happened over and over and over again.
the thing with me is that even in my dreams i take shit seriously and my close friends who are CLTs know particularly that i am shit scared of the range and the rifle with live rounds, and i dun fool around at range and of course if ppl do fool around at range, the price of hell is to be paid lah.
the fact is this, i lived my demise in my dream, repeatedly.
and each and everytime, i went back to the range, i had the choice still, but i decided to pull the trigger.

to make the feeling worse, i got my offer of admission into NTU today, yeps Aerospace Engineering. wow, i feel even worse now, knowing that i gave that up.

you know what? in BMT there are live firing sessions, and i so intend to make full use of them.

2006-03-29T11:05:00.000+08:00

does anyone know what it's like to wake up every morning, and not wanting to wake up? not because of lethargy or a lack of sleep, but for a reason that you do not want to wake up to face another day of dejection, hopelessness and depression. it's wretched, living a life like this. i have been living this nightmare for a while now. everyday to wake up and to live like this. each and everyday i wake up and i pray for this nightmare to be over, but it isn't. for the past couple of weeks, i pray to god to end my misery every morning by any means necessary. but i guess god can only do so much, i guess man has to take his fate into his own hands. and take care of things.
geez i wish i could just end it on my own. and in all honesty i know how to, jus tthat i dun dare to. well not yet that is. all it takes is a couple more weeks of this shit and boom i'm dun 4. oh well peace to this shitty world and see y'all in the next.

2006-03-23T10:56:00.000+08:00

well for one to slide down the edge of the tubes, is one thing, now my question is how low can this tube go? it seems that day by day, i just seem to feel worse about life and of course my bank balance also shows this. dammit spending money like a fool. never thought that it'd end up this way. haiz one more month till that god forsaken course to start, and i'm really emotionally and mentally exhausted. i dun know how much longer i can go like this. but one thing is for certain, i need to talk to dani. need to straighten some things out and to tie up what ends i need to. of course later on i need a miracle to make this all work out so yeah shit. had a rough week so far, now finally have the time to just sit back enjoy a bottle of Q and yeah start making posts.

2006-03-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

everytime i run, i'm backed into a corner. looks like this is the way to go.
i really really really need a miracle if i am going to get myself out of this, but it seems to be my destiny. soon i might need to know whether or not i go in guns blazing or i ease off and chill. the decision would be a hard one i know. but either way i am screwed. i just need to know a couple of things before i tie the ropes down and get to it.
let's hope that this way works.

2006-03-16T00:07:00.000+08:00

i want to end it all lah
i dun see any further point in this shit
i am without hope
i am without strength
i am without a future
i am going to end this on my terms
at least i know that i ended it on my terms
this nightmare has gone on long enough
it has taken enough of a toll on me
today it ends

2006-03-15T10:41:00.000+08:00

you remove the ground from under my feet
you rub my face into the dirt when i am at my lowest
when i need hope you take it away from me
when i need motivation, you break my spirit
when i need strength, you drain it from me
when i need direction, you confuse me
when i find my way, you insult me
when i make something of my future, you look down on me
when i finally make up my mind, you break me
when i need help, you frustrate me
when i am empty, broken and down, you leave me

who are you?

~ a friend turned bad?
~ a love gone wrong?
~ my worst enemy?

no

the japanese call you oeji
the chinese call you lao pa
the malay call you bapak
in english you are called dad/father

in my life you no longer bear that privilege,
in my eyes you no longer have my respect,
in my heart you are as good as dead.

i planned to just walk away hoping that it might heal the rift, clearly what you have done, is unforgivable.
this started after grandma's funeral, i had my exams that week, it was the funeral of a woman for years in my life i considered more of a mother than my own mother. i couldn't cry at her funeral, i was under immense pressure and stress and hopelessness. later that week, found out that my ex boss is dying of liver cancer. of course later that week to find out that my bond has fucked itself up. my initial reaction was to stay the course and to make it work. you told me to break it on first reaction. my heart was steady, my hope secure. you slowly wore my spirit down. you proved to me that this wasn't the way to go, we had an argument as to why i shouldn't stay on. i was worn down, you broke my resolve, you destroyed the reasons why i should even stay on. you destroyed my dream and turned it into a nightmare.

my resolve isn't there anymore
my heart can't find a reason to go any further
the sight of aircraft revolts me
a far cry from what it used to be.....

i remember the first time i took dani out after we got attached, we ended up heading towards changi village, i showed her the sights of the airport with pride, it was my pride. i was happy showing her that this was my future, i'll be one of those guys down there working on those planes, i would say with pride.
i planned a career path for myself in the company.
i was so excited, i wanted to leave school to go back there to work
i was happy, i wanted to end my NS asap so that i could go back there.

but alas, now the sight of aircraft sickens me.
the thought of a career there scares me
my heart doesn't want to be there anymore
i want out so bad

now you're forcing me to go back
you're using the arguments of my career plan to try to convince me to go back
you think that my feelings for this are like a switch, oh i can go back to being that deluded kid
you insulted me and my alternative plan
you still insist that i am screwed
you brought me to the brink of psychological oblivion and you left me there
you gave me no support whatsoever
your advice has brought me nothing but trouble

i want out
i want out
i want out

you dun know what it's like, getting wasted at midnight so that i can physically sleep. smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish. coming home so wasted, breaking down and just lying there on the floor with only frustration, a high feeling and the emotional level of sheer frustration and anger.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me.

you dun know what it's like, losing control of yourself while you're driving, doing 130 and almost losing control on a road with a speed limit of 70. you dun know what it's like to feel totally devastated. you dun know what it's like to come home, to see the house and to go berserk, destroying almost everything in sight.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me.

you dun know what it's like to have to confront your own mother, and putting her in a bad position. you dun know what it's like to have enough pent up frustration such that you'd walk out on your own mom and start to smoke in front of her, while she's there crying in the car.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to us.

you dun know what it's like, to have to lose control of yourself, to the point where you drive super fast on the coastal road, putting the thing that means most to you in danger, real danger. you dun know what it's like to frustrate yourself,end up bitching to your friends till they are almost fed up with you.

it was you, you fuck. you did this to me

and now i am so cornered and so desperate for a way out, i'll do anything to make it work. even if it means taking a gamble where i know if i lose i'll be so totally screwed.

what am i to do?
what am i to do?
what am i to do?

god please put me out of this misery i dun know how much more of this shit i can take before i really lose it and go fuck it all.....

now it's really in your (god's) hands
please help me
please save me
i'm so totally fucked......

2006-03-14T15:30:00.000+08:00

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heartwhen he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
but listen to your heartbefore you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart, thats all that i want to do

2006-03-13T12:04:00.000+08:00

what a weekend it has been. for one, job hunting is kinda shitty and tiring, and yeah i should have done a business dip or something like that, nobody is hiring engineering grads now, at least for temp jobs :S:S:S:S
of course after that was trying to teach ms tan statistics, when in all honesty i think that was one of the topics that nearly killed me in engineering maths :P, dunno whether or not i was of much help, but strangely enough the stuff that i covered on first glance was relatively easy to understand, of course memorizing stuff like that is another issue, but conceptually it is very straight forward and not too bad lah, sure beats DDACP, or SDC and trying to understand something of that level (heh heh), stats is like a walk in the park.
of course later in the evening, that was when the fiasco started, got a call from ma cuz, saying something about dani going out with her ex. i was like what the fuck? dani? can't be what, she told me that she lost all contact with the guy. at this point i was like ok.... something isn't right here, but did i hear wrongly about what dani said and stuff? no can't be what.... nvm lah could be mistaken.
that was of course till the guys called me and told me the same thing.
at that point i was like "oh shit", alarm bells started going off left right and centre. if it was one close source, ok reasonable, but multiple? something really isn't right with the situation here.
the thing is that mom did warn me about ex boyfriends getting in the way and the fact that the girl would normally not tell, of course this piece of advice was also given to me from ben. so shit is she trying to hide something from me that she is uncomfortable about? can't be, not my dani... right? i mean i trusted her with a hell of a lot, stuff which i didn't even tell ben or mom. so yeah it kinda ate me up from the inside. and i really wanted to find out for myself and to prove it with hard evidence that such a thing didn't happen.
of course the hard part is now, how to talk to dani about it?
when i told ben that i think it's best to come upfront instead of sneaking behind and finding out what's going on, would be the better option, at least i think. he told me not to, he'd rather i go find out more before even talking to dani about it, cos he knows of my temper and how i would react to it if i lost control, the tendency to do so of course being high, given the circumstances.
i lost dani once because of this guy, if this turns the wrong way i'll lose her again. only this time i have the unpleasantry of actually cutting the rope and burning the bridge for good this time.
the one sad thing about this issue is that, because of this guy dani lost most of my trust. and my trust is something very easy to gain, but once lost, takes a long long time to regain, and very few ppl in fact have regained my trust after it has been broken. dani, unfortunately has a very low stock of such a precious commodity with me. and of course, when it comes down to the crunch, it is the same guy again, so what the hell am i supposed to do? go about it blindly? sorry, doesn't happen that way. the best i can do, is to conduct a full investigation/witch hunt to find out with better evidence, on what's going on. it is the only fair and impartial way with which i can really go and solve the problem. and i adopted the approach that dad would normally go about with stuff like this when it happened to me and the gang, when we were kids.
"i heard about this, i dun like what i hear, and it is important enough for me to actually go and investigate the issue, now is there something that you would like me to know of before i go and start?"
that was the way dad did an impartial and fair investigation on me and the gang, and hence this is the way i will approach this issue. for the very simple reason that i dun know of any other fair way.
now another problem, how to do it without fucking it up totally? my temper and mood swings with regard to issues like this can severely mess things up. so earlier on saturday i tried to come up with a nua mentality to the issue and to really ease of the aggressiveness and tenacity that dad would normally imbue into his efforts. was sheer torture, to really try and overcome what would have been natural instincts for me. my temper and mood swings were raging at me, but no i had to keep them under wraps if not god help us all..... oh yeah and they also mentioned the officer's ball thingy and they thought that the other guy was her boyfriend (doesn't fucking help now does it?) yes i still feel like a complete fool for letting that happen, shucks i dun know how i let these things happen.
so on saturday evening, i managed to find dani online (yeah spent the whole day finding her, but couldnt') and i told her that it was important that we talked about this issue, the sooner it is cleared the better.
initially everything went according to plan. i let her know the situation, let her have her say and told her that i'm going to begin investigating into this issue. and that now it is a case of is it my friends and blood lying to me or her? if it were any other guy i would have let it slide, cos at least she told me about it but in this case, it was too close for comfort. but anyways she told me that she didnt' do it and that maybe it was an honest mistake on my guys part. i let her know my end of the deal and yeah crapped around on the phone for a while. but suddenly it hit me that maybe it isn't worth it to pursue the matter, all i really needed was to hear it from her end and to let it rest at that. it was very difficult to let go just like that. normally i would pursue the problem till the ends of the earth if necessary. but in this case i really let it go. didn't even want to tie up whatever ends that were left open, i just threw it out. figured that it really isn't worth it, i need to start trusting her and well i guess her word is all the counter evidence that i need after all. believe me to let go like that is almost unheard of, mom and ben were both shocked to hear that i let go just like that.
and yeah for me that was it. i had let go, i didn't become dad in that sense, i dropped it all of course until i read her blog yesterday and i really felt hurt over what she had said.
quote
"for a self-proclaimed bastard, sean is a little naive when it comes to people, especially people he's known for a while. he should have learned something from that fiasco. besides, i would have thought by now he'd have realized who he can trust."
in this case as mentioned earlier, these were people who have known me since i was a child, and have never betrayed my trust ever in my life. sad to say dani has done it once before and to a very great and painful level. for me just to let go isn't easy but i did. it just hurts and is very disappointing to hear things like that from her, but hell lah, i can't change how she feels about it, and she doesn't know what hell it was for me to go through something like that. i didn't go looking for it, it found me. too close for comfort, and over an issue that had shattered my trust and confidence in her. and another thing, the bastard issue isn't self proclaimed, it is an acknowledgement of what others say, which in some ways is true and if i did want to be a bastard over this issue, it would have gotten very very very messy. wah shiok lah got drama until like that over one weekend. sianz sianz sianz.
i'm beginning the final phase of the SIAEC thingy, here is when it is determined whether or not its a make or break scenario, geez i need a miracle to work this one out. hope for the best, prepare for the worst. of course i'm more inclined to the first one.
sean (xp4) out

2006-03-07T19:42:00.000+08:00

well it is more or less over now....
3 years at NP, finally done and over with. i just sent in the email to christina just a couple of minutes ago. so yeah, i guess things are over now. or rather it is a new beginning in my life.
just talked to dani. ho boy if there was one thing that could have topped off the shiok feeling from leaving the medallist interview, was the fact that i could talk (really talk) to her.
and well things do look good from here lah. or rather this might be the peak in the wave of life :P:P:P
after my exams i managed to find time to really empty my batteries, hit the force reset button and just clear myself of any negative energy. it had really helped a lot, in fact when i went over to zhe hao's place to spend the night after that crappy time at MOS (officially known as Ministry of Sound, to me it's known as a Mass Of Sleaze/Skanks) oh well got to see our buddy really wasted there hahahahahahaha.
it is only after the exams was when i managed to clear up the stress and really think through and focus on what's important for me which of course is dani. only then did i realise how much i had cared/felt for her. so that night, ok lah i tried to get her to sleep, cos she wasn't feeling well and i was kinda in a real party mood (wanted to set the town on fire, when painting it red would have sufficed for others) so didn't really want to talk much either lah.
but it was more of a case of when i really drained the energy and was left with really not much of the stress left, only then did i realize what i have done. i had almost destroyed something quite precious. so my only hope is that i managed to repair the damage done.
but also thinking about it, i guess i also didn't know how to react to such a situation in all honesty. i had my bond screwing up on me, i was running out of hope for my future, i was terribly confused, i had my girl leave for her studies, i had my exams which were falling apart on me.
i guess with all of these developments, i just couldn't handle it and i began what i thought was getting rid of a lot of dead weight in my life. i guess i really fucked up there, in jettisonning a source of weight, i could gain maneuverability and a bit more endurance in my dogfight of life, only of course to later on realize it was also my main external tank
*what a dumbass
but it was a serious case of me just losing hope. well in that really low point in my life, a bullet through my head or a real serious car accident seemed very inviting, but i guess there is more to life than just a whole down period. and it seems as though i went through it alone.
no choice i guess. it's something i have to handle on my own.
but another thing that was a factor in the way i reacted to dani, was a very sad case of me clinging onto old fundamentals about my character. well for one, it is a fundamental rule in my life, "if you can do it once, you can do it again" it goes for many things but mostly bad so another way i look at ppl , is that if you can screw me over once, you can do it again. in this case it was unfortunate that dani did screw me over once, and i believe to date it was the largest most painful way i could've ever gotten screwed over. of course SIAEC isn't too far behind, but i guess after the first dani screw over, anything can be recovered and resolved with the right amount of effort and strength.
well back to the main point, dani did screw me over, something i cannot forget. along with it came many painful lessons and quite a bit of hardship, but it was in that time after, that i really saw what i could've become and well now here i am at the end of one volume of the chronicles of my life where i can look back and say that it was my turning point there. however there are a lot of things that are yet to be cleaned up. you can teach an old dog new tricks, just that you got to really beat the crap out of the dog and maybe some of it will sink in. in my case, i am a slave to my own principles. they define who i am, they determine who i am going to be. sad to say that dani screwed me over, on a very minor and slight issue, in the same country as me, so when she goes over, what then? at that point in time my mentality was one of survival, screw strategies, get the tactics right to tackle shit one problem at a time, and my only strategy in a real tight case, (until you have explicitly proven otherwise), is i do whatever is necessary not to get myself hurt, and i mean whatever is necessary, maybe not to hurt but to reduce pain and stuff by as much a degree as possible. tactically sound to get me clear and ready to fight a situation, but strategically foolish as i would have destroyed something important and precious.
unfortunately i hate to admit it but dani has not reached that level where i can overlook some of my more fundamental and core principles namely that one, yet...
it's sad for me to also realize that she hasn't reached that stage yet, and unfortunately might have to go through quite a bit more to reach that state, which i will try as best i can to help her get there. but shit this is something really hard to get over, for one it's almost 3 years of hardwiring into me that she's got to get over, not so easy, i dun even know how i managed to wire it up in such a manner, but oh well. i'm going to fix it, if not i'll die trying, i just hope that she understands that well technically it is her damn fault lah, but i'm trying to make this work, it's just that this problem is here.
now enough about fundamental principles, now about my future, ok i did consider the SAF Academic Scholarship or SAS and well it looks like a good deal, but one thing comes out in my mind i know i'm doing it for her, i'm making some sort of sacrifice by leaving either a SG or a UK based education to head down to Aussie and study there. i found a way to realize what i like, which is aerospace and business and even a course that combines both of them. but one thing just kept haunting me. fundamentally i dun mind where i go, but i go for a reason and she's that reason. but will she leave me alone there halfway? it is a possibility. so yeah shit, just when i thought i had life more or less settled, yeps this is what the fuck happens. haiz. oh well "step by step, walk the thousand mile road" i will and i guess even when i'm down and stuff i know i still love her, well i do, if not would i be doing something like this? hehe.
now onto XP4, he was a part of my personality that i had developed to handle my agressive and competitive nature, which later on incorporated my anger as well. the thing is that well as part of my initial D gaming and stuff i nurtured the guy and well he was my split personality. as time went on by, i slowly started to add to his portfolio other things, till he became my evil side and my ultimate monster. fucking hell i should have finished reading jekyll and hyde before she left, at least that way i could have let XP4 die out before he really caused some serious damage. well i did try to suppress him during my hard times and well once he managed to get loose all hell broke out what a pisser eh? oh well life goes on.
oh yes and my final update. ~ initial D scene
iro dh dry *evo 4 3'00"498 from 3'01"300
akagi dh dry *evo 3 2'23"680 from 2'25"100 (no tst)
*Rx-8 2'23"521
*GC8V 2'23"980
akina uh dry *GC8V 3'11"xxx
bug tuned HAVOK GC8V is now full tuned!!! yay!!!

@XP4@ (SE3P) now is a level 26 car, bloody shit aura color haven't change yet sianz...
PS it's 7.42 pm and i am still in campus typing this out, what the fuck man??? i have technically graduated and i'm still here :P:P:P old habits die hard i guess

2006-02-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

damn i miss her a lot, even though when i'm messaging her online, yes we're not talking sadly. but oh well one part of me feels kinda good that it's her cos i miss her terribly, though the real messed up part of me doesn't want for me to talk to her, haiz i dun know lah. all i know is that i miss her, i guess that counts for something?
today was a real shitter. found out that mr lim is back in PET, so that's a good sign? i dunno. well he's got my best interests at heart, but it's a well known fact that his balls are in there but in the wrong place. he's very arty farty airy fairy, but a bloody genius, one that i have come to respect. well talked to the dude, he says that RMIT is out, ain't such a good uni. oh well looks like i need to consider other options.
the problem that i face now is this, if i go to the US or the UK for my studies under bond of scholarship, i dun know how the hell i can make the relationship work anymore. seriously i dun know. but what i do know is that if i stay in singapore to do my degree i'll be fine, but if i do it under scholarship, i'm even more screwed. so how now? australia isn't the place to go from what i can tell. haiz, so confused so sad. nvm lah now just chiong and get things in order then see where my winds take me.

2006-02-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

Well broke down twice today, one at St Mary of the Angels and the second time in the car while driving mom back. geez today is one shitter of a day. and yada yada yada, i'm feeling a bit better until i came back home and went online. yes she was there again. to be honest whenever i talk to her online i really really really feel like shit. i dun know what the hell it is about, but yeah i feel like shit, just talking to her. i dun feel good at all. and all we seem to talk about is just the miseries of life that i'm and her are going through.
sometimes i just wonder whether or not a relationship is meant to be like this. it's just so shitty for now. today would be a good example. i come back feeling a lot better from talking to mom and i have some hope and some energy perked up in me. a few minutes into the conversation with her, i borderline slip back into depression again. geez, is this the way to go? i dun really know man. i dun know what else to do... i'm really tired now, had a long crappy day, study for AFPS for three days, it's almost like not studying at all. all the questions that came out were unfortunately from the places where i didn't pay close attention to. haiz, what to do? sad and stressed lah. very stressed.

2006-02-23T18:26:00.000+08:00

How do you kill a man with no fear? You put fear in him.
How do you kill Xp4? You remove the floor from under his feet, and remove hope from him and confuse him totally, and of course prolong it for a long period of time......
i'm burnt,i'm battered, i'm broken, i'm tired, i'm with the faintest idea of hope, i had the ground on which i stand removed from me, i have my heart broken, i am confused, and i'm losing my will to live.
when i first encountered the problem of the grant going wrong, my resolve was to make it work no matter what, and i was willing to make it work at almost any cost. slowly, but surely, dad in his "infinite wisdom" (cue sarcastic tone of voice), had from the start tried to convince me to get out of this "mess". slowly but surely, he broke my resolve, my heart, in finally convincing me that another alternative is always better. and true enough for a month now, i have accepted that decision and am now looking for other alternatives. last night mom comes back telling me that they won't let me leave the already shitty deal. i'm kissing uni goodbye for another 6 years. i know her stand, she won't want to pay this one out so i'm still stuck in the shithole of a deal. worse, if i accept their new terms, i'll have another liability of about $8000. i am not willing to let this bond fuck itself any further.
For me it's one blow after another after another. i'm too tired, i cannot go on like this, i think one more blow and i'll be out the window. i can't study properly, i have this nightmare hanging over my head. i'm tired i'm out of hope.
the thing that really pisses me off is the fact that i was willing to make it work, i could see and envision myself working as an LAE happy, and convinced of my dream. now not only has it shattered and become a nightmare unto itself, but now it is going to be forced on me. i dun know what to do anymore. for a start, after a quick summary analysis, i have decided that it was dad's fault throughout for the way i'm feeling now. and henceforth, i'm disowning him as my father and i would not acknowledge him as my father from here on out. he and his bloody mouth and his bitterness toward the company, have affected me long enough. i want out of this nonsense, i want out, and the best way is to shut him out of my life and won't have him affect me any further.

2006-02-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

warning: the text that is about to be written contains disturbing facts and imageries if at all and violent languages
that was the warning before I let XP4 out of his cage. She wanted to share and to give emotional support for the problem. I told her that this is my monster, he's got issues, you deal with him you'll get fucked, it's terribly embarassing and once he starts he won't stop, he's a bastard.
well I did warn her in advance but i guess there's no stopping once you have started eh?
On one hand I'm so scared of losing her, on the other hand I had a lot of shit falling on me, I just need to find that time to readjust to life without her physically present. Communications wise? Of late I find that it's a lot of hot - air, dun know how to deal with it. heh heh heh 3 days gone and it has resulted in this. very sad indeed. I just wish that things could be different, but it's wishful thinking at it's best. I dun know what to do with my life anymore. I don't, really. Kinda like that time at mama's funeral when everything came crashing in on me when I was too caught up with my exams to really give a shit. now I feel like I'm in the same position again. too caught up in the rat race. too fucked up. I need some time off, but what I would really want is to see her really fighting for this to work. up till now, unfortunately I have not. i feel like as though i'm just really pushing this along and she's like "oh yeah love you too". i dun know what more i can do. it's really emotionally tiring. but i'm not ready for it yet. just need to clear my mind and to clear my soul of a lot of pressing issues. i need the strength that i once thought i had.
in all honesty, i had once toyed with the idea of just going cold storage like we did the other time, only with a fidelity function, cos at least that way i won't feel like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest, or at least not that badly. but i think it still boils down to a fundamental issue of me not really knowing how she feels, and that right now, i feel like i'm really being shut out of her life.
i would have very much liked to fight XP4 on my own without her coming in like that, i really didn't want her to face up to him and his nonsense, my fear was that she might not be able to take it and true enough after our little "chat" session, it wasn't a fear anymore, but a reality. i think that she couldn't deal with him and his crap. that's why i wanted to fight him on my own. besides i had a rough day, running around, settling my uni admissions and stuff like that, then had to settle eunice, who looks like she could use a bit of help. and yeah mugging away. trying to forget that she's gone. redirecting my focus onto something more tangible and important for that matter. hence the mugging. geez i guess it's a bad combo of me being tired and having all of this shit crop up on me at one go. yeah when i bumped my chin, on jazzy, and i almost cursed, mom yelled at me and i walked off and took the train home. honestly on the train i felt a lot better, just reading the 8 days, not worrying about traffic or mom telling me to go slow, or the taxi drivers trying to be bitches. I guess I might be able to deal with it tomorrow after a good night's rest. at least now I only have my exams and that stupid study grant hanging over my head, and of course dani. but fuck it lah, a little more alcohol, a bit of sleep, and a lot more clarity awaits in the morning, cheerio.

2006-02-09T08:37:00.000+08:00

well last night was another experience altogether. apparently i did threaten to break up with dani. shit manz, i can't believe that i let that one out :S haiz i dunno lah. she mentioned leaving to do a backpacking thingy across australia for like 6 months. fuck man! i dun have that luxury. i wish i did, but even then, sorry i won't want to do something like that. hence my statement of no i won't do it and yes i would break up with her. in all honesty, i think that this is the culmination of how i feel with regard to giving a lot in this relationship. to be damn honest, i'm pretty fed up with all this shit. i dunno how the hell i would put up with it. maybe the reason why is because i love her. but fuck man i am not going to give up a whole month of my life to do this kind of thing. sorry i cannot. i will have a job. i will have responsibilities. i will want to channel my life into something useful for me and my fellow man. this may be narrow minded in a way, but i guess i'm thinking of things in the long run. i dun mind taking time off if i have to lah, but seriously to take a month off just like that. fuck lor i do not have that luxury. i really don't.
and yes finally i'm beginning to see what john saw back in snafu day. she is selfish. i let her go and do that thing at a great expense to myself and to be honest, i don't think i got anything out of that one, in fact i'm still paying the price for letting it happen. and i think i am getting fed up with the whole thing. she leaves for 4 months at a go. every year i would only spend 4 months with her (maximum). to me in theory the idea is ok lah. but in practice let's face it, that kind of a relationship is pretty taxing to deal with, and in essence is very very very fucked up. and yet here she goes on about chasing her dreams and stuff. fuck lah, you pay the price. for me if shit hits the roof, first of all i would not endure the indignity of the previous time. i will burn the bridge before it burns me.

now these questions haunt me like hell.
1. Was i too harsh in making such an ultimatum?
2. Is it reasonable for me to feel this way?
3. How is this going to affect us?
4. Given these points, can i make it work?

she also says that she can live her life on her own and be a very private person. fine so what the hell is that supposed to mean? that you can live without me? fine, i guess. if you want it that way, what else can i do? i know how to protect myself.
i guess mom was right, she is protected. she does not have the responsibilities of life placed on her the way i have mine placed on me. i think it might be wrong for me to expect that kind of mentality from her. i don't really know what to do anymore. i am not young at heart anymore. i have my responsibilities. i think in a very different way. i want to be there, you won't let me. i want you to share your life with me, you barely let me. so what is the damn point there? it's just so superficial.
unfortunately for us, last night i said what i meant and i meant what i said. i cannot compromise on this any further. i want to settle down comfortably before i turn 30. in the process i want to make sure that the career is set, the finances are taken care of and stuff. i have a 2 year lag in life, it's called NS. i cannot help it. and hence why i value time and stuff so much more. i also want to have a healthy and stable relationship with someone by the time i turn 24-26. cos by then if things turn out fine in that field, then i guess it will be fine for a while, can even run on autopilot, i dun need to steer it that much, and other things can be focused on.

eventually it boils down to this. everything has a price, i made a couple of really bad calls, when i know i should have done something different. now it has come back to get to me (in fact it always has). now i'm just wondering whether or not to let this carry on. cos i don't know whether or not it'll work out anymore, she wants to have her carefree life without responsibility, fine. for me it's my life of responsibilities and security and logic. i unfortunately am unwilling to compromise any further. this is my stand. because to me it would be pointless to carry on any further if i compromise anymore. sorry.

2006-01-31T11:36:00.000+08:00

haiz, i just wish that sometimes someone would just tie me up in a burlap bag and beat me with reeds. stupidity seems to be one infectios disease that seems to plague my pathetic little mind. i just want to flush out of my system all these fucked up feelings of hate confusion and distrust. right now, i'm so unstable to the point where a single word gone wrong can mess up my mind so totally and completely. why am i like this? deprived of poonani? no, not that i know of. geez i just wish that i can wish all these hard horrible feelings away. but i can't i must deal with them i must go on living with them. i must attempt to control them. who knows? maybe later i think i might just have the cure and the cause for these feelings again later. who knows? who knows? who really knows?